Chili pepper consumption could help you live longer

Chili pepper report The American Heart Association said “research has suggested that regular chili pepper consumers could have longer lifespans due to the fruit’s anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, anticancer and blood-glucose regulating properties. These factors play a role in reducing a person’s risk of dying from a cardiovascular disease or cancer.

570,000 health records were included in these studies, which included people from the U.S., Italy, China and Iran. The people who ate chili peppers regularly had a 26% relative reduction in cardiovascular mortality; 23% relative reduction in cancer mortality; and 25% relative reduction in all-cause mortality.

Chili Texas style basic starter recipe

First posted October 23, 2010
Chili seems to one of these terms that are thrown about and apply to many different thing. In the Southwestern United States  Chili will most likely be a spicy meat dish, ground or small diced beef. Across the border in Mexico the term Chili will most likely be applied to one or more different varieties of mild to very hot’ pepper dishes.

Cooling weather and cold winds of winter is Chili weather calling for a large pot to be placed on the fire and the slow cooking possess started for a big bowl of spicy meat Chili.
Start with beef stew meat that is course chopped or ground beef. Good chili meat should contain a bit of fat not being to lean. In Texas Chili is always made from beef and if you add beans or other foreign ingredients like rice to the pot it can’t be called Chili. In the south and southeast states, pork is often used as the main meat ingredient for chili.

Chili is served with a side of cornbread or saltine crackers or soft flour tortillas. {Google making homemade tortillas, it’s simple fast and easy.} You may also add additional hot sauce or fresh hot pepper but for your own safety taste your Chili before adding more hot pepper or sauce.

Warning: Never, Never ask for ketchup! Some chili cooks have been known to ban customers who ordered ketchup with a bowl of chili. Sometimes refusing them service as well. Chili cooks are a serious bunch that take great pride in their ‘secret’ chili recipes.

This is a good starter recipe and should be adapted and modified to the taste you and your family like.

Some people I know even add grated long horn cheddar cheese at the table.
If your ingredients are not fresh they don’t belong in your Chili pot.

2 tablespoons melted lard or good quality cooking oil of your choice.
5 cloves garlic, minced {If you can’t finely mince garlic, beat the hell out of it with the flat side of a big knife or meat cleaver} or add 1 teaspoon garlic powder or flakes
2 medium size onions, diced, course diced is better than a finely diced onion {strong flavored spicy yellow onions are best}
1 1/2 – 2 pound(s) course ground or chopped beef
1/4 – 1/2 teaspoon salt {a little salt goes a long way in a chili pot, error on to little salt. You can always add salt at the table if need.}
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons pure mild red chili powder [chili spice mix will work if you don’t have pure chili powder.]
1 tablespoon hot red chili powder or chili pepper [chili spice mix will work if you don’t have pure chili powder.]
4 Roma tomatoes blanched, peeled and course diced
1/2 cup tomato paste {tomato sauce will not work as well as tomato paste}
1/2 cup beef stock
1 cup dark beer {or what ever kind your drinking while cooking your Chili}
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
3/4 teaspoon ground cumin
2 teaspoons minced fresh Mexican oregano {Italian oregano will do if you don’t have Mexican oregano} If you don’t have fresh oregano use 1 table spoon of dry oregano.
* Add as many or as few course chopped, Hot or mild fresh Red or Green Peppers as you like to to get the hotness and flavor you are looking for. [Bell pepper has no place in a chili pot.]

To prepare the chili, heat the lard or oil in a large saucepan {a cast iron  4 quart or larger pot with lid works well.} Add garlic and onions, sauté [fancy word meaning to cook slowly] over medium high heat for 5 minutes. Add the beef and sauté for 8 – 10 minutes longer, stirring frequently, until all the beef is browned. Drain off excess fat.

Season with salt and pepper, stir in the chili peppers and chili powder, cook for 2 or 3 minutes more. Add tomatoes, tomato paste, beef stock, beer, vinegar, cumin and stir well to combine. { If you have any ingredients left over throw them in the pot as well.}

If you have beans with your chili, serve a bowl of pinto beans  or [kidney beans] as aside dish. You have a great deal invested in your Chili pot, don’t screw it up now by adding something weird like rice or beans to your chili pot. In the southern states rice is often used as a pinto bean replacement side dish.

Bring to a simmer, turn down the heat, and cook very slowly, covered, for 45 minutes to 1 hour {add more beer, beef stock or water as needed}. Uncover cook 15 minutes or more until it is nice and thick. Chili should be thick like a good beef stew not watery like cucumber soup! [To thicken watery chili add a bit of corn starch at the end of cooking before serving.]

I should add this note, some chili cooks may simmer their chili pot up to 10 or 12 hours adding a little beer, water or beef stock as need. You decide what process is best for you and your family. Long cooking makes a better tasting chili dish.

Please remember this is a basic starter chili recipe and you may want to adjust spices to your taste.

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Fall and Winter weather calls for a large pot of Texas style Chili

Do’s And Dont’s of a Texas Chili Cook Off
First Posted on October 24, 2010

I found this untitled post by an unknown author on a UK blog. He said he did not know who wrote it either. I thought it was worth re-posting and sharing with chili lovers.

Texas Chili Cook Off is Not For The Weak of Heart

A Texas chili cook off can be as much fun as any one person can stand. There’s usually so much going on it’s hard to take it all in. Besides the cook off there’s music and contests of all sorts and lots of new friends to make. That’s why these things can run for 2 or 3 days. Anyone and everyone comes to a Texas chili cook off. Chili cook offs are very popular in Texas and are a major form of family entertainment.

Before the main event there may be cook offs and competitions for the best barbecue, brisket, salsa or dessert.

The chili cooking teams are judged not only for the quality of their chili product but also on presentation which many times means a pretty good show.

In a sanctioned cook off the chili must be prepared and cooked on site. Some events provide a table, set up under a tent but no electricity or water. You must provide all cooking tools, utensils and ingredients. The competition can be fierce. Never touch another mans utensils. That’s how fights get started.

The official chili sanctioning body in Texas is the Chili Appreciation Society International, CASI. CASI makes the rules. They award points to the best ten cookers and these points can qualify a team for the World Chili Championship held the first Saturday of November in the dusty ghost town of Terlingua.

There is only one kind of chili recognized by CASI: Texas red. No fillers are allowed, or as the rules state: “NO FILLERS IN CHILI – Beans, macaroni, rice, hominy, or other similar ingredients are not permitted.” (In Texas putting beans in chili has replaced horse thievery as the number one hanging offense.)

Some of the most fun is the people watching. Just how much fun an event is going to be depends on who is throwing the shindig. Like, for instance, a cook off sponsored by a Baptist church probably won’t be as exciting as, say, one thrown by a radio station or a Texas singer. A guaranteed good time is when the cookout is connected with a birthday party especially if the guest of honor is a Texas singer and double special if that singer has 3 names like Robert Earl Keen, Larry Joe Walker, Jerry Jeff Walker. If this is the case you might want to get a physical and check your health insurance policy before attending.

Helpful pointers and suggestions to aid in optimizing the total Texas chili cook off experience.

1. Arrive in pickup truck, the bigger the better. If you don’t have one borrow one. You may substitute an SUV if it is the size of a small house, get 3-7 miles to the gallon and made in the US of A. What ever you drive, it must have a tailgate.

2. Ice chests. The more and the bigger the better. These should be filled with beer and ice and no more than 4-5 soft drinks and these should be Dr Peppers preferably bottled in Dublin, Texas.

3. Beer and how much. Preferably Lone Star or Shiner. No imported beer unless it’s from Mexico. Best rule of thumb is two cases per cook off day. In case of a beer emergency, you’ll want to be able to share with a fellow in need.

4. Food. White bread, baloney, American cheese and mustard and a half dozen onions should do if you’re planning full serious meals, a few of bags of pigskins (the hot kind) if your just going to snack. You’ll also need coffee and a pint of Wild Turkey whisky or a bottle of tequila to cut the dust out of your mouth in the morning.

5. Camping gear. You’ll want to stay for the whole cook off so plan to stay at least one, possibly two nights. Gear should include a sleeping bag, a gas stove, BBQ grill, flashlight and a coffee pot. Tents are too much trouble. Typically you’ll throw your sleeping bag into the bed of the truck and crash there. And don’t worry about rain. It almost never rains.

6. Lawn chairs. At least two, any style.

7. Tables are optional. That’s why you need a tailgate.

8. A Texas flag or two.

It’s also important to know what to wear. Dress for comfort. Blue jeans are always acceptable and, in warm weather, shorts. Sandals, sneakers or hiking boots work for footwear. Or you can go barefoot. A ball cap with some sort of logo is also acceptable. The logo should be for a beer brand, a tractor brand or a football team (high school or professional). T shirts of any type with any logo or picture on front works. All shirts should have sleeves of some sort or someone might mistake you for a redneck and they won’t share their beer and pig skins (the hot kind) which could be hazardous in case of a beer or food emergency. And that’s how fights get started.

For women it’s the same as men and boy’s but tighter and shorter.

Don’t worry about your Yankee accent. At cook offs everyone’s welcome and everybody’s equal. And please don’t try to talk Texan. You won’t fool anyone and that’s how fights get started.

Dropping names is a good way to make friends and influence folks at a cook off. Willie Nelson, George Jones and Bob Wills are good names to throw down. Don’t ever mention Nashville or California. That’s how fights get started.

Don’t discuss politics. You might get a hold of a Yeller Dog Democrat and they’re kinda touchy these days. That’s how fights get started.

{Eating chili in Texas, Texas chili cook offs and beer seem to go together like levi’s, pickup trucks and a cow dog riding on the tool box.}

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Texas Chili Cook Off Humor
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Franks chili cook off report. Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it.

Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have all the free beer I can drink during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event

CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin’ Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: – – – – – Mama?- – – (Editor’s Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

1 Chili Pepper In The Pot Does Not Make Chili

Some Damn Fool, (Katerina Dimitriadis) provided this recipe. It was seen at One pot cheeseburger Chili Telegraph(UK).

I don’t know what this dish should be named but Let Me Assure You, It Is Not Chili.

1 person Ingredients List
1 small onion
1 chilli (In American English, I think is 1 chili pepper)
2 tbsp olive oil
150g (5½oz) minced beef
50g (1¾oz) pipe rigate (elbow macaroni)
150g (5½oz) passata
4 tbsp kidney beans (tinned)
2 tbsp finely chopped parsley
3 tbsp grated Emmental cheese
salt and pepper

*1 - Peel and dice the onion. Remove the stalk and seeds from the chilli and chop it finely. Heat the olive oil in a pan. Sauté the onion, chilli, and minced beef over a high heat until the meat juices have evaporated.
*2 – Stir in the pasta, passata, and 300ml (10fl oz) of water. Let the chilli simmer until the pasta is cooked al dente. If needed, add more water during cooking.
 *3 – Stir in the beans, parsley, and Emmental, and season the chilli with salt and pepper.

Real Chili The official chili sanctioning body in Texas is the Chili Appreciation Society International, CASI.

Hint: There is only one kind of chili recognized by CASI: Texas red. No fillers are allowed, or as the CASI rules state: “NO FILLERS IN CHILI” – beans, macaroni, rice, hominy, or other similar ingredients are not permitted. (Word of caution, In Texas putting beans or macaroni in chili has replaced horse thievery as the number one hanging offense.)
Cheese, beans, macaroni and such foods are side dishes, never to be in the same cook pot with your Texas style ‘real’ chili.
Texas Chili Cook-off rules First blogged September 2013 by: Town & Country Gardening blog, that’s me…

Homemade Chili Powder
{Use caution and common sense} don’t make your chili powder so hot no one else can enjoy it’s fresh homemade taste!

2 to 4 dried red chili peppers, the big kind, 6(150mm) to 8(200mm) inches long, (1 1/2 ounces) mild, medium or hot – it’s your choice.
For hotter chili powder add, to taste dried hot peppers like Chile de arbol or cayenne.
1 1/2 to 2 tablespoons cumin seeds, toasted and ground.
1 1/2 to 2 tablespoons garlic powder (not garlic salt).
1 1/2 to 2 tablespoons onion powder (not onion salt).
1 tablespoon ground dry oregano powder.

Directions:
Preheat oven to 300F (177C).
Break the stems from all chili peppers, and remove the seeds.
Transfer chili peppers to a baking sheet, and arrange them in a single layer. Place the pan in heated oven.
The chile de árbol or cayenne pods will be toasted first, so remove them after 4-5 minutes.
Bake the larger peppers an additional 4 or 5 minutes, until they are very dry
When cooled to room temperature, crush/grind peppers in your food processor or blender, pulverize until you have course powder.
Add remaining ingredients, and blend just until combined
Store your homemade chili powder in a jar with a tight fitting lid in a cool dark place for up to 3 months.

Homemade Chili – The Quick and Easy Way
In a large cast iron pot or pan
1 to 4 pounds course ground beef or pork (1/2 beef – 1/2 pork works well)
Brown meat over medium heat pour off excess fat.
Reduce heat and add:
4 to 8 Red or Green (mild or hot) roasted, de-seeded and peeled chili peppers course chopped.
(Optional – 1 to 4 fresh Jalapeno peppers, roasted, peeled and de-seeded, course chopped).
1 or 2 medium onions course diced.
2 to 6 cloves garlic crushed and finely minced.
Cook 2 or 3 minutes, take care not to burn minced garlic.
Add 1 or 2 can’s tomato paste (tomato sauce is not the same thing as tomato paste!)
Cook tomato paste 2 minutes, stirring often.
(Optional) 1 – 14-1/2 oz can diced or crushed whole canned tomato’s.
Add water to cover.
(Optional – 1 can/bottle dark beer and enough water to cover).
Slow simmer covered, 45 minutes, add water as needed.
Add 1/3 cup Homemade Chili Power.
(Optional – 1 package McCormick or Williams chili seasoning mix or 2 to 3 Ounces Morton’s chili powder mix).
Slow simmer an additional 30 to 45 minutes adding water as needed.
Hint: Texas style chili should be thick more like a good stew, not thin like soup.

Serve topped with with fresh graded cheddar cheese and Tabasco or Louisiana hot sauce on the side.

Kitchen Hint: This year plant a few chili peppers, cayenne peppers and/or jalapeno peppers for your homemade chili and a supply of ingredients for homemade chili powder.

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Rain And Garlic

Beer maids and Gardeners have one thing in common. With effort ‘Anything’ is possible.

FYI, a wise person once said congress and baby diapers should be changed often and for the same reason. They both stink! Get out, vote the bums out of office.

My weather man promised me more than 1 inch of rain Monday night and Tuesday morning. This will be the first measurable rain(more than 1/10 inch) in about 80 days. So I hastily planted a large patio pot with some left over garlic cloves. Being in a patio pot maybe I can keep my newly planted garlic well water this winter and enjoy my garden fresh garlic harvest in about 180 – 210 days. Grin … Garlic and Onions are two root crops that I can not do without.

If you haven’t tried young fresh garlic you are missing out on a special meal treat. Pull or dig young garlic while the bulb end is still no larger than your thumb. It is very mild and you can use most of the tops as well as the bulb end in any recipe that calls for garlic.

Smiling … almost any meal is better when cooked and served with fresh garlic, onions and mild or hot chili peppers.

Hint If your soil is not yet frozen you still have time to plant Garlic and spring flowering bulbs such as Tulips and Daffodils.

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Chili Pepper The Spice Of Life – For Your Health

I always knew that anything that taste that good had to be good for you.

Spicy foods do more than add flavor to your favorite meal. Heat packing foods, particularly chili peppers, jalapenos, habaneros, and cayenne, offer a surprising range of health benefits.

Eating a hot, spicy dish can burn extra calories by temporarily boosting metabolism by as much as eight percent. When eating a spicy meal people are generally satisfied on smaller portions, so fewer calories are consumed.

Spicy foods improve heart function. Capsaicin that produces a heat sensation on the tongue has also been shown to lower bad cholesterol while increasing blood flow. Capsaicin increases nitric oxide in the blood stream, which in turn helps protect against inflammation and lower blood pressure. Of all spicy foods, cayenne pepper is believed to lower blood pressure the most quickly.

Did You Know?
Bananas are High magnesium food like banana, pumpkin seeds, and halibut can make you tired. This mineral is actually a muscle relaxant, so it’s great before bed but could affect your energy during the day.

Red Meat high fat content of red meat like steaks and hamburgers could leave you feeling drowsy. It takes a lot of energy to break these down, so all your body’s energy is going to be focused on that suggests opting for salmon instead. Something with omega-3’s should give you a pick me up since omega-3 fatty acids are known to help with brain function and focus.

Cherries and tart cherry juice work well as a natural sleep aid because they are high in melatonin. Cherries will actually help regulate sleep, so it’s great as an aid but may be poor as a midday snack. They’re still a great thing to munch on, especially if you’re trying to lose weight (the pits make you slow down while you’re eating). However, you might want to save cherries for a bedtime snack.

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Chili, Pepper And Cool Fall Weather

Amaryllis – Have you seen them yet? It’s time to be looking for, buying and planting Amaryllis bulbs for your holiday table decorations.

Chilly, Chile, Chili. No matter how you spell it. Its that time of the year again. As temperatures drop, comfort foods like Chili, Stew and Soups should be on your kitchen stove and dinning table menu.

Originally Posted on October 24, 2010 (Updated) 09/12/2014

I found this untitled post by Frank on a UK blog about a Texas Chili Cook-off. I thought it was worth reposting and sharing with those that follow my blog postings and have not had the opportunity to attend one of these hair raising events.

Texas Chili Cook Off Not For The Weak Of Heart

A Texas chili cook off can be as much fun as any one person can stand. There’s usually so much going on it’s hard to take it all in. Besides the cook off there’s music and contests of all sorts and lots of new friends to make. That’s why these things can run for 2 or 3 days. Anyone and everyone is welcome to attend a Texas chili cook off.
Chili cook offs are very popular in Texas and are a major form of family entertainment. Before the main event there may be cook offs and competitions for the best barbecue, brisket, salsa or dessert.

The chili cooking teams are judged not only for the quality of their chili product but also on presentation which many times means a pretty good show.
In a sanctioned cook off the chili must be prepared and cooked on site. Some events provide a table, set up under a tent but no electricity or water. You must provide all cooking tools, utensils and ingredients. The competition can be fierce. Never touch another mans utensils. That’s how fights get started.
The official chili sanctioning body in Texas is the Chili Appreciation Society International, CASI. CASI makes the rules. They award points to the best ten cookers and these points can qualify a team for the World Chili Championship held the first Saturday of November in the dusty ghost town of Terlingua. There is only one kind of chili recognized by CASI: Texas red. No fillers are allowed, or as the rules state: “NO FILLERS IN CHILI – Beans, macaroni, rice, hominy, or other similar ingredients are not permitted.” In Texas putting beans in chili has replaced horse thievery as the number one hanging offense.

Some of the best fun is the people watching. Just how much fun an event is going to be depends on who is throwing the shindig. Like, for instance, a cook off sponsored by a Baptist church probably won’t be as exciting as, say, one thrown by a radio station or a Texas singer. A guaranteed good time is when the cookout is connected with a birthday party especially if the guest of honor is a Texas singer and double special if that singer has 3 names like Robert Earl Keen, Larry Joe Walker, Jerry Jeff Walker.
If this is the case you might want to get a physical and check your health insurance policy before attending.

Helpful pointers and suggestions to aid in optimizing the total Texas chili cook off experience.

1. Arrive in pickup truck, this is one of those times when bigger really is better. If you don’t have one borrow one. You may substitute an SUV if it is the size of a small house, gets 3-7 miles to the gallon and is made in the US of A. What ever you drive, it must have a tailgate.

2. Ice chests. The more and the bigger the better. These should be filled with beer and ice and no more than 4-5 soft drinks and these should be Dr Peppers preferably bottled in Dublin, Texas.

3. Beer and how much. Preferably Lone Star or Shiner. No imported beer unless it’s from Mexico. Best rule of thumb is two cases per cook off day. In case of a beer emergency, you’ll want to be able to share with a fellow in need.

4. Food. White bread, baloney, American cheese, jalapeno peppers, yellow mustard and a half dozen onions should do if you’re planning full serious meals.
A couple of bags of pigskins (the hot kind) if your just going to snack. You’ll also need coffee and a pint of Wild Turkey Whiskey or bottle of Tequila to cut the dust out of your mouth in the morning.

5. Camping gear. You’ll want to stay for the whole cook off so plan to stay at least one, possibly two nights. Gear should include a sleeping bag, a gas stove, flashlight and a coffee pot. Tents are too much trouble. Typically you’ll throw your sleeping bag into the bed of the truck and crash there. And don’t worry about rain. It almost never rains.

6. Lawn chairs. At least two, any style.

7. Tables are optional. That’s what a tailgate is for.

8. A Texas flag or two. It’s also important to know what to wear. Dress for comfort. Blue jeans are always acceptable and, in warm weather, shorts. Sandals, sneakers or hiking boots work for footwear. Or you can go barefoot. A ball cap with some sort of logo is also acceptable. The logo should be for a beer brand, a tractor brand or a football team (high school or professional). T shirts of any type with any logo or picture on front works. All shirts should have sleeves of some sort or someone might mistake you for a redneck and they won’t share their beer and pig skins (the hot kind) which could be hazardous in case of a beer or food emergency. And that’s how fights get started.

For women it’s the same as men and boy’s but tighter and shorter. Don’t worry about your Yankee accent. At cook offs everyone’s welcome and everybody’s equal. And please don’t try to talk Texan. You won’t fool anyone and that’s how fights get started. Dropping names is a good way to make friends and influence folks at a cook off. Willie Nelson, George Jones and Bob Wills are good names to throw down. Don’t ever mention Nashville or California. That’s how fights get started. And don’t discuss politics. You might get a hold of a Yeller Dog Democrat and they’re kinda touchy these days. That’s how fights get started. {Eating chili in Texas, Texas chili cook offs and beer seem to go together like levi’s, pickup trucks and a cow dog riding on the tool box.}

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas.
FRANK said. Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event.

CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more green pepper.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin’ Rednecks!

CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I would not feel a damn thing. I have lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they will know what killed me. I have decided to stop breathing, its too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: – – – – – Mama?- – – (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

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